L'Anniversaire en Rose
by Le Penguin
Summary: Armin's birthday will be celebrated as such a momentous event deserves.


Armin awoke in a canopied bed, ensconced in the most silk of silken sheets, robed in the most silk of silken robes. Birds flew in the open windows, bringing the sweet breeze with them, as well as laurels of white and yellow flowers, trailing behind them as they sang La Vie en Rose.

Armin sighed and held out his finger for one to perch upon. The all-out brawl for the privilege sent feathers and flowers flying.

"What…" Armin murmured, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

The slightest sound of his voice made thunderous footsteps rampage through the halls. Eren and Jean attempted to barrel through the door at once, briefly getting stuck before their oiled-up bodies and silken lingerie slid them free. They leapt onto the bed in unison, sending Armin flying into the air.

Armin landed in a puff of silks, flowers, and angrily chattering birds. Wild-eyed, he made to scurry away from the scene before him, despite the several interesting features it boasted.

"Happy birthday, Armin." Eren said, sincerely, before going for the gold and plunging his face into Armin's crotch. Armin yelped, but Eren was a star Olympian in the field of cock-eating for a reason. Eren smoothed Armin's silken silk robes open, and Jean slid in behind him to murmur a "happy birthday" in his ear, and deliver attention unto his nipples.

"I—what—" Armin managed to choke out.

Suddenly, a ray of golden light shone through the window. The birds stopped fighting to sing a heavenly chorus, in unison, as Literally God appeared before them.

"Happy birthday, Armin Arlert," God said. "I have altered reality to make it serve you. You are the best."

Mikasa climbed into the room, and settled down in a corner to tune her zither. She regarded Armin with a fond look, and jammed out a riff.

"Happy birthday, Armin. I will provide mood music while you copulate. Please feel free to get Eren and Jean teen pregnant."

God chuckled like Santa Claus, which made Armin consider the complex theological implications while his dick was hitting the back of Eren's throat and Jean sucked a hickey the size of a baseball onto his neck.

"Impregnate away," God said kindly. "Also your friends are all here. Reiner, Bertholt, and Annie are no longer evil and they are throwing a titan parade for you outside."

Mikasa strolled over to the glass sliding doors, and kicked them open to demonstrate. A parade for Armin's birthday was passing through, and Reiner was leading the way, dressed in a pleated micro-mini shirt and nipple tassels. Annie was doing a guitar solo on his birthday song and Bertl was on the drums. Historia was doing Jell-O shots off Ymir's tits at the buffet table, and Sasha and Connie were attempting with little success to drink the entirety of the chocolate fondue foundation — Sasha was currently face-down, and possibly near death, but blissfully so.

But…Armin's stomach shifted uneasily. There was still someone missing.

God read Armin's thoughts because, like, God. "Don't worry, Armin," God chuckled indulgently. "I smited Levi with a lightning bolt and damned him to the furthest reaches of the Inferno, never to return, suffering infinitely and eternally."

Armin's eyes went wide with concern. "But—"

God waved off Armin's comment. "I gave Erwin and Hanji new ponies and they'll get over it. Anyhoo, I'll leave you kids to your beejays. Peace and love."

God poofed away, and the birds resumed their battle. Hanji whooped joyously outside. Her new pony was about twenty meters tall, and wasn't really a pony as much as it was a Titan with a saddle on it. Armin would have looked for Erwin next, but Eren and Jean had started a pillow fight with each other.

"Noooooo, I wanna do him first!" Eren pouted, batting at Jean's head with a pillow and sticking his lingerie-clad ass in the air.

"Noooooooo, meeeee!" Jean pouted back, flexing his arm muscles as he returned the bat in kind.

"Silly boys," Mikasa said with a sigh. "You can _both_ do him. In the butt, with your wieners."

Eren and Jean gasped theatrically, and both pouted smolderingly at Armin. The victor of the bird war perched triumphantly on Armin's head. As zither music played in the fresh ocean breeze, Armin had a lot of birthday cheer to make happen.


End file.
